More Movies That Will Never Be Made

  1. THE PITCH: GOONIER

Psychological horror genre:

Remake The Goonies. Same script, same cast, same locations, same shots. So all the kids would now look 40, and all their parents and adults would either be dead or look it. In all shots of dialogue spoken by a dead actor, no audio will run and they will be replaced in the shot by an immobile to-scale cardboard cut out.

WHY IT WILL NEVER GET MADE:

I can’t imagine what America wants is to see a 40 year old Corey Feldman trying to act like an 8 year old Corey Feldman. Getting all the cast together could cost a bundle. Also, rights from Steven Spielberg.

         2. THE PITCH: GOONIERER

Related. Make a Hollywood children’s adventure film, then remake it every ten years exactly the same with the landscape unaltered over time, like the UP series but for a fictional film, the actors aging until there’s only one left.

WHY IT WILL NEVER GET MADE:

Too much money. And it would be difficult to wrangle the entire cast. Maybe it could be done with green screens if the actors were willing to donate their time to reduce costs. What could also be done after the last installment in the sequence is shot is make a composite version, burning all versions over each other at alternating opacities, with the soundtracks fading in and out of each other. Still a long shot.

            3. THE PITCH: OPEN THE VORTEX

Take a Hollywood film, preferably a romantic one with dramatic lighting. Feed it into something like Adobe Premiere and have it analyze every patch of green as a green screen. Replace all green screened portions with either the Yule Log or the Republican Primary Debates. Put high pitched ringing sounds into the pre-existing soundtrack, for roughly 30 seconds every 11 minutes. If asked about this at a screening, say it was the projector malfunctioning.

WHY IT WILL NEVER BE MADE:

This one actually sounds pretty doable.

           4. THE PITCH: PLATO’S CAVE

https://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer/album=602051897/size=large/bgcol=ffffff/linkcol=0687f5/tracklist=false/artwork=small/track=1834222547/transparent=true/

WHY IT WILL NEVER BE MADE:

Distribution issues most likely.

5. THE PITCH: LOGAN’S CRAWL

Sci-fi thriller modeled on Logan’s Run, except instead of all the citizens dying at 30 in this one their hair falls out or goes grey and they all find themselves with children. This time the action is set in a suburban sub-development instead of a shopping mall. Dream director: the great Wes of the psychological horror cinema-Wes Anderson.

WHY IT WILL NEVER BE MADE:

I don’t know why this couldn’t be made. Wes Anderson stands to make tons of money. He should contact me to buy the idea at the bottom of this webpage.

6. THE PITCH: RUBIK’S CUBE

A man finds a magical Rubik’s cube where each panel is a screen showing a possible way he could die. It turns out this magical cube was a leftover test that went missing from a Russian Cold War era experiment. With his girlfriend and a quippy homeless Vietnam veteran, he struggles to solve the cube by rearranging his potential deaths to where they seem to line up, hoping it will show him what he must avoid if he never wants to die. Along the way, they all learn something about themselves-and a terrible secret.

WHY IT WILL NEVER BE MADE:

I don’t know anyone who works for the SyFy channel.

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