My Plan to Bulldoze America and Replace It With a Buc Ees

Sorting through the mailbag, I saw a reader had sent a description of “the biggest gas station in the world.” He was talking, of course, about the Buc Ees outside Austin.

How to describe Buc Ees to one who has not experienced Buc Ees presents quite a challenge even for the advanced practitioner.

Buc Ees is a gas station in Bastrop Texas. Bastrop Texas known for three things-1) its being named for Baron du Bastrop, a confidence man posing as European royalty who settled whites in the land that is now the state of Texas, 2) being the site of the only recorded assassination of an antiquarian book dealer-Jonnie Jenkins, 3) the Buc Ees gas super gas station. Jenkins was also incidentally one of the financial backers of the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” films.

I will describe the Buc Ees now from memory. You can easiest find the truth of what Buc Ees is in the places where my memories are inaccurate or distorted. For in these distortions, I recorded most clearly what the dream of The Buc Ees was.

How I remember the Buc Ees:

The Buc Ees has like, fucking, like 15-bajillion gas pumps and a couple hundred parking spaces. They sell all this repackaged cereal and shit but in these baggies like you score drugs in but with a picture of this challenged delinquent beaver on them. Like…they sell cocoa puffs repackaged as “Beaver Nuggets.”

And the Buc Ees has a taco station, a deli, a butcher, and a space in the back where they have merchandise featuring pictures of the goofy beaver, everything from lingerie to bags for rifles to shot glasses to towels. It’s got this piss neon sign out front so everything in the entry way looks like a yellow crayon.

So with this description, I introduce my proposal, both for the Presidency and for a better America, an America where the old America has been bulldozed in its entirety and replaced with a gargantuan Buc Ees gas station.

Unlike other candidates, I will lay out the entirety of my political platform now while I declare my candidacy.

My vision to make America great again:

Bulldoze the old America and replace it with a gargantuan Buc Ees gas station. I recognize this is a radical proposal for the restructuring of our way of life and our democracy, but these are radical times. Nothing else will truly solve America’s problems.

The biggest Buc Ees gas station ever constructed in the history of the world. Nothing less will keep America competitive with emerging superpowers like China.

A friend said to this proposal: “Isn’t that kinda what everything is already?”

“Perhaps,” I replied. I laid out the finer details of my plan.

A second draft of our famed western civilization will occur. A second draft, but first a political coup. Then we will put the beaver’s face on everything including the currency.

Separate the country evenly into thirds-one third farmland, one third industrial, one third this single gargantuan Buc Ees.

All produce and manufactured items will be sold exclusively in the one Buc Ees or for people not close enough to the Buc Ees, by mail order from the storehouse of the giant Buc Ees.

Every man, woman, and child in the country will be selected when they are born to work either in one of the factories, on the farm, or as a clerk or mid-level manager at the massive Buc Ees. Three separate school systems will be established to farm citizens into the correct vocation. The Pulitzer Prize will change its name to the “Employee of the Month Committee Selection” and especially enthusiastic clerks and managers at the giant Buc Ees will be given it in a grand ceremony held in the back of the gargantuan Buc Ees.

With this plan, and a bit of elbow grease, we stand a chance. I am the change America needs.

Goodnight ladies and gentlemen. And God bless America.

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