Don’t Molest Jake

We all decided, before there was any clear threat as such, that we’d rather Jake didn’t get molested. A petition was circulated under the title “We’d Rather Jake Wasn’t Molested” and it garnered several dozen signatures before it was taken to City Hall. The City Council included a statement regarding it attached to a bond issue. “After much thought and consideration, we have come to the unanimous decision that we’d rather not see Jake get molested” and it, along with the provisions for funds for bridge repairs, passed with a clear majority in the later county-wide vote. This was unusual because it was the first time the City Council had voted against Joe Bruno, who made a controversial public statement he had no position on the issue of Jake being molested.

We organized around the issue. When we weren’t working or at school we made signs with sharpie markers with rousing slogans like “Don’t Molest Jake” and “Dear Molesters, Jake is Gross, You Can Do Better” and held them in front of the Post Office. The weather was good that month and even after the unseen threat seemed to have passed we all still met there to hold signs and compare what we’d packed in our bag lunches.

Counter-protests emerged from the culture studies department of the nearby liberal arts college, who passed out small leaflets saying the main protest was being “molestation-normative” and that more effort should have been taken to reach out to Jake and see how he felt about being molested.

R. Kelly, when he was approached on the subject, said, suspiciously not in immediate agreement with the larger public sentiment that Jake ought not be molested, “Who the fuck is Jake??”

The local paper finally was able to do an exclusive interview with Jake. The article ran with a dramatic black and white cropped portrait of his face and the pull-quote “Yeah…I mean…yeah…I guess…I’d…it doesn’t sound fun. I don’t want to get molested.” The photograph was later circulated with the quote written over it on Facebook.

Some folks still remember fondly their days campaigning. “It gave us a cohesion. We haven’t felt that sense of community ever since. Who knows, maybe it would’ve been for the better good if Jake had gotten molested.”

Joe Bruno, to this day, has not commented on whether or not he approves in the abstract Jake’s speculative molestation. Although his later corruption scandals may have given him a false sense of security that he’d never have to confront the issue, there is still a public demand. We’re all confident someday the truth will come out.

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2 comments

  1. What the actual fuck did I just read? ….not complaining, though. Also, that is a rhetorical question.

    1. The fiction muse seems to whisper sexy things in my ear, drive me to a secluded spot it claims is makeout point. Then it steals my car, drives off without me and I have to walk home. And from these walks come the stories.

      If you enjoyed this one you might enjoy the spoken word LP I cut: https://daniellevine1.bandcamp.com/album/more-apocalypses-that-probably-wont-happen

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