Joe Biden: I would only hit a woman in self-defense.

Elizabeth Warren: Girls molested by their uncles should be able to have abortions.

Bernie: No Rachel I don’t support the Taliban.

Buttigieg: I’m not going to invade Mexico like Tulsi says. Also, Tulsi supports Assad.

Harris: I know what the word “punked” means, and that makes me cool, and black. I’m blacker than Booker, even though Biden thinks he’s the only black person in the Senate. Really. I’m black. Did I tell you Tulsi supports Assad?

Booker: Did Biden really say he’s black?

Klobuchar: Unlike Bernie I’m not going to staple a diploma to your rotten kid’s ass just for existing.

Yang: Watch me give a surprisingly good prepared talking point to Rachel Maddow’s gotcha question on Russia. Also, I’ll stand up to the Chinese, even though I’m Chinese and shit.

Tulsi: Harris is a liar and Buttigieg is a pussy boy who probably still gets carded. Did I tell you I was in the military?

Tom Steyer: Who am I? Why am I here?