Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden at a Rogouski Family Reunion

Biden: So I was in the parking lot the other day and these Bernie brothers came up to me and asked me for directions. Goddamned punks thought they were going to pull a fast one so I kicked the biggest and strongest one and the other two ran away. That’s what they get for fooling around with a Marine.

(30 people nodding in simultaneous wonder and agreement that the punks deserved it.)

Bernie: Joe. Joe. Joe. Those disadvantaged youth are only a symptom of larger structural issues in our economy. Under my plan for Medicare for all and free, public higher education, all three of those young men would not only have good healthcare free at the point of service, they would have the chance at a higher education and a future.

(Mrs. Rogouski, the matriarch of the family repeatedly puts her finger on Bernie’s shoulder in order to plead him not to talk about politics or religion since discussing either subject only causes bad feelings among all concerned.)

Biden: Look Jack. Cut your malarkey. As my good friend John Lewis said to me when we were participating in the Freedom Rides together “nothin’s free son.” How are you going to pay for all this education and healthcare? It’s a lot of hooey you lying dog faced pony soldier. Let’s get real with this thing. As my good friend Barack Obama once told me “Joe if cornpop ever steps to me and throws down you’re the guy I want to have my back so there Jack. I’ve always been black.”

(30 people laugh out loud at how brilliantly crazy uncle Joe put crazy uncle Bernie in his place and continue their laughter and applause in order to prevent Bernie from continuing. Suddenly a toddler jumps up on the table and spills food all over crazy uncle Bernie and the discussion is decisively brought to a close.)

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