Look, I…I just got fired so…so I’m delaying sending this to the editor until he’ll have almost no time to see what it is. Yes, your suspicions are true-I will, as of the end of this column, no longer be writing reviews for the Altfield Gazette Tribune. They’ll print this very small and in the back. But for the few of you reading now, I’m going to say all the things I was never allowed to put here.

-Titanic is the greatest film ever made. It fulfills all our primal desires and fantasies for blood lust: it gets us all worked up into a frenzy by making us grow to hate Leonardo DiCaprio’s character so much that we want at the least for him to get off the screen but more deeply to see him suffer for how he inconvenienced us, the audience. The cinema as gladiatorial arena. When Kate Winslet slowly removes each of his blue frozen fingers from the log that kept him afloat we all cheered. The three hour build-up came gushing out. You know that’s why you saw it again and again and paid for the privilege.

-A lot of the stuff in those classic Godard movies just doesn’t work.

-When we hear a great performer or director has narrated a cat food commercial, receiving this information makes us immediately desire to watch the cat food commercial repeatedly, while we figure maybe we’ll actually get around to watching their more important work. Why is that? And why does it feel so right?

-I’m not complaining.

-Now I’m complaining. They never gave us enough time for lunch here. The coffee was always the shitty instant stuff. We called it ‘drip torture’ behind all your backs. The toilet paper was rough. It was no way for a man to spend the majority of his waking hours. I’m thankful to be leaving.

-I procrastinated too long. I fear I won’t have time to fill out the column proper. I want to thank all of you who have followed this for the last seven months; you’ve been lovely if somewhat slow. And so, I finish with a story-when I was in primary school I knew a kid who, to see if the teacher was actually reading his papers, filled the last 200 words of his 450 word essay with copypasta of the phrase “screwflanders”. In the spirit of this, both in its nostalgic haze of youth and —–..?,’;’;;’lk.”:;,.screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflanders screwflandersscr

(This is a short story to be recorded on my second comedy album. Check out the first one here.)